It's Tragic but It's also Magic
by FandomCole
Summary: Frozen AU Modern Day: He's no good for her. She doesn't care. Because together they are so, so good. Warning:Drug use
1. Chapter 1

**Hello. This is my first fan-fiction. If you guys like it, I can work from this and make it a chapter story. My writing was very much inspired by YellowBella/Mary Elizabeth. Her Twilight fan-fiction of Dusty ripped my heart out and the story has been with me ever since. So if you take the time to read this and have read Dusty, you'll see what I'm talking about. That being said, I hope to find my style over time if I'm able to write more.**

As Kristoff, I see Evan Peters. Think AHS Season 1 when he played Tate and/or AHS Season 3 when he played a frat boy.

As Anna, I see Alexis Bledel. If you google her name and type red hair, you'll see a real life Anna. :)

**I do not own these characters. Disney does.**

**Him**

She's under me. Hands in my hair, Lips on mine. She feels incredible. Her taste and her smell has my senses going wild. She has no idea what she does to me. Her. Always her. I'm so fucking high right now. She knows I am. I feel free. Invisible. I trace her freckles that is scattered along her collarbone with my tongue. Her back arches and I pull myself away from her skin long enough to look at her. She blushes. Light pink colors her cheeks. Her hands run down my arms lightly, sending chills up my spine. Then she looks up at me. All I see is blue. Fucking Blue. Blue haunts me. Blue knows. Blue punches me in the gut. It takes my breath away. I buck myself into her heat. She still has her panties on. But she's soaked. Her dress is bunch around her waist. Her eyes roll back. Its so fucking perfect to watch. I reach down. Move her panties to the side. I tease her. Slowly. She's perfect. She's mine. Has always been.

"Anna"

I blow on her clit. She pulls my hair. Her eyes squeeze shut.

"I need you to look at me, baby."

She's my calm. My center. She's also my storm and my fucking nightmare. She opens her eyes and looks at me. Her eyes are so fucking blue and blue won't stop haunting me.

"Watch me anna...watch me love you with my mouth."

She moans. I've got her attention. My fingers are in and out of her. In and out. In and out. Her skin is flushed. Red hair sticks to her face from sweat. Her lips look stung and her mouth is slack. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I lower my mouth on her clit. Her eyes close shut. No princess. You're gonna watch. My other hand pinches the delicate skin below her entrance. She yelps. Her eyes open. She knows what I want. I smirk at her while my face is centered on her. My tongue works in between her folds. She's bucking into mouth. She's close. So fucking close. My hands lift her hips up. I hold her steady. This is what love does. Love is wild. Love is crazy. Love is flushed skin and blue fucking eyes. She's grabbing my sheets and my girl comes on my tongue. I kiss her clit and pull my fingers out. My dick is already out of my pants. I'm on my knees and in between her. She's watching me. I rub my fingers that were just inside of her on my dick. I smell her scent. Her juice and I get drunk on it. On her. She is spread out before me. I take my dick and rub it thru her folds. I stroke my cock with my hand and the other starts exploring her body. She's watching me. Her eyes still heavy.

"See what you do to me, girl. Always you."

My stroke picks up speed. She touches herself. Small hands cover small breast.

"You drive me crazy, princess. Fucking crazy."

I speak in rushed, hushed tones. My eyes are heavy. Love makes me come undone. Love makes you fly. I release myself all over her belly. I'm out of breath. I move over the top of her. I kiss down her neck, burying my face in the spot where neck meets shoulder. She exhales. She feels so fucking. She makes me crazy. She moves her delicate hands back into my hair. I hear my phone buzz. I know who it is. She knows who it is. I kiss her quick. I move from her, zip my pants up. I get her cleaned up. Help her dress. My phone buzzes again.

"I guess you're leaving me for her?"

I don't answer. She doesn't expect one. I gather my things. I kiss her head. She looks up at me. Blue eyes knowing. Blue eyes hurting. It hurts. So fucking much. She's my light. I'm her darkness. I always bring her darkness.

"Why her Kristoff and not me?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I'm already at her closed door. I open it. I leave my girl. Leaving my darkness behind.

The living room is dark, smoky, and smells like shit. Crowded. People in every fucking corner. Hans sees me from across the room. He smirks. He is such a dick. He knows where I've been. He says I need to let her go. He needs to mind his own fucking business. We meet in the middle of the room. He pulls white out of his pocket. I pull green out of mine. I think of my girl and what she asked me before I left. I feel uneasy about it. I go upstairs. Still dark, still smoky, and still smells like shit. But its quiet. Off limits to guest. I think of my girl's face. I cause her so much pain. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I run my hands thru my hair and pull. I'm out of control. I feel her all over me. I slam my bedroom door. Grab the mirror from my nightstand. Open the bag and pour. Fuck yes. All mine (like her, I think). Also her. I roll my 20 up, cut up the white powder and I snort. It burns up my nose numbing it and my throat. I close my eyes feeling all my blood rush to my head. My pupils are dilating. My heartbeat pounds in my ears. It's not enough. Not enough to forget. I snort another. And then another. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I have one more line to do. I see a drop of blood on my shirt. Fuck, my nose beings to bleed. I run my hand along the bottom, smearing red on my face and hand. I feel out of control. I have one more line left. I'm so fucking high now. I feel her effects already. One more wont kill me. Or maybe it will. And I don't give a shit. I bend my head down, green at my nose, and go to snort. My door opens. Fucking Hans I think. I glance up and I see her. She's never seen me like this before. In this position. I try to hide this part of me from here. The throw the 20 down. I jump up.

"What the fuck Anna? Why are you here? Go the fuck home"

She kicks in full gear. Thank fuck. I couldn't deal with Anna if I wasn't. I look over at her. She's crying. I always make her cry.

"What are you doing princess girl?"

She walks over to me. She glares at me. Blue haunts me again. Always. Then she shoves my mirror and my powder off the table onto the floor. My eyes go wide. Fucking crazy, this girl. Love makes you do crazy. She is my crazy.

"What the fuck are you doing!?"

I yell. I'm yelling at my girl. My habit controls me. I lost control of my habit a long time ago. Baby begins hitting my chest. She punches, shoves, scratches me. I let her. She yells. She cries. I fucking take it. I grab her by the arms. She stops. I forgotten about the mess on my face.

"Kristoff. Look at me."

She grabs my face. She sees the blood on my face. She crooks her head to the side. Eyes wide, still full of tears.

"Kristoff. Why?"

She knows I can't answer her question. I never can. I fall to my knees and wrap my arms around her center. She's warm. Like always. My girl cradles my head. What a fucking pair we are. Love is ugly. I'm no good for her. I never have been. But she makes it feel right. so fucking right. I hold on. Because I'm selfish. I say her name over and over. I'm begging for her to forgive me.

**Her**

My boy says my name like a prayer. Blood on his face, his knees on the floor, head on my stomach. I feel so helpless. He makes me feel this way. I hate him for it. He minds fucks me every which way. I run my fingers thru his blonde hair. Repeating myself over and over. He's too far gone. But I say it anyways.

"Its okay Kristoff, I love you, god I love you." Its not okay, Kristoff. None of this is. Love pulls you in and under. It drowns you and weighs you down.

His face is soaked. So is my shirt. Wet tears and snot. Its ugly. But he is beautiful.

I've seen him high but I've never seen him use. I haven't processed what I saw yet. He beings to calm. His tears stop falling. I think of how love brought us here. I think of tragic love stories. How everyone loves tragic love stories. We read them. We watch them. Except in real life. In our life. No one loves ours. This is our life. He is my life. And this is our love story.

Tragic. Beautiful. Raw.

People say he's trouble. He is. He's my boy. He's my trouble. Still holding on tight. Like I might fly away if he lets go. If I were smart, I would. I continue to run my fingers in his hair. I don't want to move but I need to clean him up. He won't be able to sleep. He's full of coke. The bags under his eyes tell me he hasn't slept in days. He'll crash soon. Recharging for another binge. I look down at him.

"Kristoff, I…I need to clean you up. You've got blood all over your face. Your shirt. Please let me clean you up."

He doesn't say anything but moves to sit up. He won't look at me. Ashamed. Embarrassed. I look him over though. I look in his eyes. Almost black, a small amount of brown. Brown that I love so much. God he is so fucking high. I reach my hand out. He takes hold of it and I lead him to the bathroom. I turn the dim light on that's above the shower. The bright one will hurt his eyes. He sits down on the toilet. I turn the faucet on. Running hot water in the sink. Its steams the mirror. Its quiet. I walk over to him. Reach for the bottom of his shirt and pull it up over his head. His hair sticks up everywhere. I run my hands thru it to push it down. Any reason to touch him. He grabs my hips, pulling me into him. His places his head on my stomach. I don't have the energy for this but I continue.

"Kristoff. Look up.".

I hear him snort. But he looks up. My fingers brush his cheek. He leans into them. I walk out of his hold. I get the washrag and wet it. I return and gently place the rag under his nose. He hates his nose. He thinks its too big. But I think its perfect. I run the rag along his face and then his hand and remove the blood.

He lets his fingertips brush down my arm. His touch gives me goose bumps. He looks beaten. Worn. Bruised. He stands, takes my hand and we leave the bathroom. He lets go like he always does and lays down on his bed.

"Come here princess…come lay next to me."

He smiles at me. I stand at the end of the bed deciding if I should go or stay.

"Come on Anna. I need you right now. I need to feel you next to me. You make it go away"

Of course he does. Same song and dance for us. I've never doubted his love for me. Even through all of our fucked up chaos. I crawl up the bed to him. We face each other. I'm staring into black orbs that were once bright. Now, they're cloudy. Always sad. Always black. My boy is in there somewhere. I hope he makes it out alive. People don't call what we have Love. I heard some call it obsession. Addiction and I agree its fucked up. But for me, Love is Kristoff. Love stands at 6'4, with blonde, messy hair, and what should be brown eyes. Love is the teenage boy that lived across the street. Who would walk me home from school. Love is kisses on cheeks and shy smiles. Love is sneaking in windows at night and carnival lights. He sees me thinking and traces along my nose, then down my lips and around them.

"You know I love you right?" He says it with confidence. He is so sure of it. He'd write it in blood if I asked him to. I'm the only thing he wants to feel but not enough to make him stop. It's so fucked up. I sigh.

"I know Kristoff."

"Do you love me?" His eyes says he's afraid of my answer. I understand why he doubts me but I've never failed him. He knows that I never would but he needs to hear it.

"You know I do Boy." He smiles. My beautiful boy smiles at me. I smile back. Because thats all I can do. I intended to come here and tell him to stay away from me. I wouldn't have meant it. But I needed to yell at him. Try to make him feel as bad as he makes me feel when he leaves me for her.

"I'm going to stop. I'm going to get help Anna." I give him a small smile. He has tried before. He says he can do it on his own. But he relapses. So I'll love him the way he is.

"I mean it."

I shake my head and lean over. I kiss his nose. I whisper his nickname in his ear.

"I need to go Trouble"

He smiles. I smile. And in this moment we pretend everything is okay. That tomorrow will be different. We pretend well. We pretend often. But when I leave here, she'll come out to play.

**Him**

I walk Anna out to her car. I kiss her goodnight. Her lips are soft and all I want to do is kiss her. I finally release her. I don't want to. But she has to go.

"Goodnight Anna"

She smiles. Her fucking smile is everything. She leaves me and I watch until I no longer see her lights. I walk inside. I need a fucking drink after what happened upstairs. She shouldn't have seen me like that. I move through all these fucking people. I don't know most of them. And the ones I do know, I don't like. I make it to the kitchen. I pour a shot of liquor. Bring it to my lips and swallow. It burns. But it feels so fucking good. Hans walks over and slaps me on my back.

"What the fuck was Anna doing here tonight?"

I ignore him and pour another shot. I need to feel the burn again. He's still standing there. Fuck, go away. He doesn't. I tell him to mind his own business. He rolls his eyes.

"She is so much better off without you. She's too fucking good to put up with your shit." What he says pisses me off. I throw the shot glass against the window. It shatters. He starts to laugh.

"Fuck you, asshole"

He's right though and I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. I'm pretty sure he has a thing for my girl. He has everyone snowed. Including Anna. He deals but doesn't use. I grab the liquor bottle and turn it up. Fuck him. Fuck everything.

"Easy there buddy." He is smirking. Fuck him, I don't need this shit. I drop the bottle on the countertop with a loud thud. We have an audience now but I don't give a shit.

"I'm not your fucking buddy." I say it thru clinch teeth. I grab my hair. My high is already wearing off. I'm agitated. The walls are closing in on me. I need to get out of here before I kick his ass. I look at the shards of glass everywhere. Hans leans in. I feel his breathe on my ear. I'm going to fucking kill him.

"Yeah, you're right. You're my fucking bitch." I grab him by his shirt and shove him against the wall. I have no control over my body right now. I glare at him. Someone is grabbing my shoulder. I shake him off.

"Stay the fuck away from Anna. If you go near her I will fucking kill you." I give him fair warning. Because I will kill him. I let go of him. He works with his shirt to lay it flat again. He turns and leaves. Fuck. I sniff and rub my nose. Everything he said tonight is true. He knows I'll be back to buy from him. So I am his fucking bitch. I run my hands in my hair. It's a mess. I'm a mess. I feel like I'm coming out of my skin. I look around the room. People have forgotten about my fight. I just need to forget. I see her across the room. Brown hair. She smiles. She's wasting her time. I just use her for blow jobs and blow. And right now I need more blow. She's got some. I nod towards the upstairs. I close my eyes and think of red hair and blue eyes. Freckles and pale skin. I tell myself I will try tomorrow. This is my last time. One more line. One more line. One more line. I open my bedroom door and she has our lines cut and ready. She hands me my 20 from the floor. I snort. She snorts. Thank fuck. The numbness is taking over. I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. She asks if I want a blow job. I just really want her to go away, so i tell her to. I grab my phone. A message from Anna. Of course. My chest hurts. I rub it to make it stop. It doesn't.

Anna: _I love you trouble. _

She texted while I was snorting. I wish she were here. My girl is the fucking sun. She gives and I take. She's my high. I'm her low. She's the light and I'm the dark.

I'm so bad for her.

But together, we are so fucking good.

This is us. Our fucking love story...

It's tragic but it's also magic.

So I text love back.

Kristoff: _I love you too, princess_


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is the second chapter. I wasn't expecting to go back and forth, but it seems like this is where its going. I never understood authors when they said the character in their head comes to them and they write the story. I thought, its your head, can't you write whatever, whenever. So I totally get it now.**

**I do not own any frozen characters. Thats all Disney!**

_**Past**_

June 21st

**Her**

Its summertime in Arrendale. Its also my birthday. I turned 18 today. Im walking arm in arm with my sister. We're downtown, celebrating. We just had dinner and now we're on main street. The cobblestone walkway hurt my feet. Im wearing ballet flats. Elsa says I should have wore better shoes. Lights are hung in the trees above. It gives these old streets a glow. It feels warm, safe. Cozy. A slight breeze goes thru my hair, cooling my heated skin. I hear my sister speaking.

"This store is new. Want to look inside?"

I look at the store window. Puffy cotton made into clouds hang from above. Glittered stars of gold and sliver garland criss cross. Assorted items for your home sprinkle below. All of different heights. Old fashion jewelry, purses, and hats. The Whimsical Chattel the store is called.

"It looks like a dream in this window."

I say to Elsa.

"I know! Lets look inside."

We enter. It smells of tropical fruit and sugar citrus. I'm like a kid in a candy store. Everything is eye candy. I start in the middle where vintage dresses hang. Lace, pearls, tulle, and sequins. I run my hand over them. I find two I like. Elsa calls me over. She has found a sequin quilt. A soft white. Crystals sewn into the fabric make snowflakes. No two are alike. Hand sewn, no doubt.

"Elsa, its beautiful...and fitting for an ice queen."

She cuts her eyes at me. I giggle.

"It is perfect...I'm buying it."

Elsa and I are similar in many ways but where I'm outgoing, she is more reserved. Some do call her an ice queen. Or bitch, rather. Growing up early will do that. Hardens you. Changes you. She hold her emotions in. Sometimes she talks to me but mostly she stays quiet. She has taken care of me since I was 15 and herself at 18. We lost our parents. Too soon. Plane accident. Our parents own several luxury hotels. They were on business. Elsa had just started college. I high school. Yes it changed Elsa so very much. Leaving school, taking over the family business. She was being prepped for it. Myself and the hotels are her number one concern. I owe her so much. I wonder over to the bracelets, one catches my eye. Delicate rose gold hold blush pink stones. Tiny diamonds hug each stone. I try it on. It moves around on my wrist. I slide it up and down.

"Its beautiful Anna. You know mother loved rose gold. It was her favorite."

I look up at my sister. Her voice is soft.

"I wish they were here. To see you today. Turning 18. Starting college in the fall. They would be so proud of you. I'm so proud of you."

Tears well up. I dont know what to say. I never not know what to say. Elsa saves me from from having to speak.

"Here. Let me see it. I havent gotten you a gift yet. Hotel work is very busy, you know. Do you want these dresses as well?"

I shake my head. I pass her the dresses. Then the bracelet. She smiles at me.

"Thank you Elsa. For everything."

We're in Elsa's car headed home. The soft sound of the radio plays. I hear Elsa on the phone. Im sure its business. Always. I dont know what I want to do when it comes to the family business. Elsa has told me whatever I decide is fine. She means it. She startles me when she says my name.

"What time is Kristoff coming over?"

I have to think for a moment. Its 8:30. He is taking summer classes.

"He was coming over right after class, so he should be there now. Or soon after."

"I know you're 18 now Anna, but the same rules apply."

I roll my eyes. If she only knew.

"I know Elsa."

"I'm just trying to protect you Anna. You worry me. Your relationship with him. Its intense."

"I'm not following. Isnt relationships suppost to be intense? Love intense?"

She cringes at the word love.

"Anna, please. I'm just voicing concern. I worry about you both."

"Just me, not both"

She sighs. I do too.

"I love Kristoff. I do. I just want you to be careful. College is totally different than being in high school. Different stressors, deadlines, new people. I guess I just want you to live life. Do it all. And I dont want anything or anyone in your way."

I answer okay. She's sharp as knives when it comes to me and my future. I get it. But I dont want an arguement tonight.

Once we're out of the car, I walk over and hug her. She takes our bags in. I glance in the driveway. My boy is here.

I see him in the backyard. He wiggles his fingers at me. A mop of shaggy hair and a shy smile. Gosh my boy sure is cute. I see strung white lights in the bushes behind him. My ballet flats hit the soft grass (so much better than cobblestone), my dress, made of lavendar lace and tulle swishes around me. My smile big. His too. I move slow. Mentally taking pictures of him. Gray tshirt. Fitted dark denim. Black chucks. I'm in his arms. I feel them around my waist. Mine go around his neck. He's lifting me. I have my face in his neck. Boy smells earthy with a hint of mint. He sqeezes my waist and whispers.

"Hey...Let me see your face."

I slide down his chest, my feet touch the grass. I look up at my boy.

"Hi"

"Happy Birthday, Princess"

In one hand is a crown. Its made of metallic gold pipe cleaners. My boy got crafty.

"Kristoff, did you make this?"

I say in fake shock.

"I did. Made with the finest gold pipe cleaners in all the land, my lady. May I place thy crown upon thy head?"

He bows. I curtsy. We're giggling.

"You may."

I tilt my red locks towards him. He places the handmade crown on my head. Bending it to make a secure fit.

"How does it look?"

He looks at me. His eyes are sad but he's hiding it well.

"Its perfect..."

His eyes wonder down my body.

"I like your dress."

He pulls at the delicate fabric near my waist. Runs the tips of his fingers on my lower belly. He whispers in my ear.

"Let me take it off you."

I push at his chest, smiling at his joke. He kisses me. I open my mouth to let him in. He groans, large hands squeezing my waist. Mine are in his hair. I'm so in love with this boy. I think of what Elsa said. She's right. We are intense. I pull back needing air. His eyes open slowly but hang heavy with need. Slacked lips open. I lean in and kiss him again. Pulling away, I feel his lips kiss down my neck.

"Kris"

His hands move to hold my face. He kisses my cheek, then the other. My chin.

"I"

My temple.

"Love"

The other temple.

"This"

Forehead.

"Face."

Nose.

"Come back here with me."

He grabs my hand and walks me further in the backyard. Under the large willow tree, I see a blanket, chocolate candy, and my ipod.

"Ahhh! You stole my ipod."

He's laughs. I've been looking for it all week.

"I may have borrowed it."

"You could've told me."

"Now where's the fun in that? I enjoyed the show. Flustered. Pissed. Fiesty. It kinda turned me on."

I stick my tounge out at him.

"I forgive you since you brought chocolate"

"You forget I know your weakness girl."

"You're my weakness boy."

"And you are mine...here sit."

He helps me down and sits next to me. I adjust the skirt of my dress. He picks up arm, studying my bracelet.

"New?"

"Elsa. After dinner we went into a new antique shop downtown. I could have bought one of everything."

I fidget with my bew gift.

"Antique shop? You're so old."

"Old soul..."

We smile at one another. His doesnt reach his eyes.

"Whats wrong?"

I move his hair out of his eyes.

"Do you want your chocolate?"

"Do you even have to ask"

He's dodging my question. I watch him open the hershey bar, breaking me a piece. He places the square on my tongue. It melts quickly.

"Kiss me"

He says. So I do. I move my leg over his so Im in his lap. We kiss until the taste of chocolate is long gone. He pulls away. Still close and Kisses the edge of my lips.

"I love you girl."

He whispers

"I love you boy."

I whisper back.

He grabs my ipod. Moves his long fingers around the touch screen. I hear music start to play.

"I made you a playlist for your birthday. Thats why I "borrowed" your ipod."

Air quoting borrow. He smiles and runs his hands in his hair. He's being shy. I ask him a question.

"Dance with me?"

He answers me by standing, holding out his hand. I take it. Always. We step away from the blanket. My right hand in his left. Shoulder. Waist. He pulls me closer. Im still wearing the crown he made me. He leads me. A small circle around. Around and around. He presses the side of his head to mine. Is this intense? He's all I've ever known. But I imagine love feels likes this. Love is the goosebumps I have on my hot skin. Love is soft breathing against my ear. It reminds me that he's here. With me. Safe. Sometimes he feels like he might slip thru my fingers. So for now, I enjoy this moment. With my boy. The music plays. He hums to a song. It tickles. I'm snicker. This boy of mine out did himself. He pulls himself away slowly, spins me around and brings me back to him. He leans down and whispers in my ear.

"I told the stars about you."

It takes a moment but then I stop moving and look at him. I take his face in my hands. Pull his lips to mine. Rough. This is intense and I'll never get enough of his lips. Or him. Always him. Him. He wraps his hands around my waist. Groans in my mouth. What he just said means everything to me. Because his family is the stars. My boy has lost everyone who has ever mattered to him. The battle hes fought in life isnt fair. He's had more disappointment than I person should. He gets lost in his head. Sad eyes. Tired smiles. Quiet madness. I do the only thing I know how to do. I love him. I love him hard. Remind him he's wanted and needed. But the voices in my head are loud. So fucking loud. Screaming at me. Because these monsters remind me that this wont end well. That in the end, I'll lose him. I shush him and hold tight. He slightly picks me up. Feet dangling above the ground. Walks us to the blanket. Hands. Groans. Lips. Everywhere. Laying down, he feels heavy above me. I crave it. The music still plays. The lights glow. My crown still on. Until its not. Hands in my hair knock it off. He kisses down my neck. Im looking up at the stars. Lost in them. In him. His fingers moves the delicate lace strap of my dress. He kisses my shoulder. He bites at my collar bone.

"Let me take your dress off."

He could have without asking. Something about the way he does makes me burn for him even more. We're surrounded by trees. Its dark. And we're under the willow. I need him in me. No one will see.

"Take it off then."

**Him**

I trace the sweetheart neckline of her dress with my lips and tongue. Her dress is really pretty. Light purple. Lace. And that netting stuff that ballerinas wear. My girl is feminine. Dainty. Soft. And smells so fucking good.

"I changed my mind. I think I'll leave it on."

I sit up between her legs. My hands on her ankles. I run my hands up her legs. Down her thighs and push her skirt up. I look down at her white panties. I kiss each hip bone. Her eyes on mine when I pull them down. Off. I undo my belt. She bucks up. I smirk at her. Shes watching my hands undo my jeans and lower them. My dick is out. She pushes up again. My girl wants my dick. I grab her in between her legs and push her back down. I hold her still. She likes it when I tell her what to do. Its the only time she actually listens to me.

"Don't move"

I go to move above her but she places her bare foot on my chest, stopping me.

"Tell me a secret, boy."

I grip her ankle, move it near my face.

"A secret...?"

I pretend to think. No need. I've got a lot of fucking secrets.

I kiss her ankle.

"My secret is that I love these fucking boney ankles."

Because I really do. Her petite frame, fierce personality, and all of her fucking girly bullshit drives me fucking wild. She's fucking magic.

I bite her ankle. She laughs. Opens her legs. I'm between her now. We're Face to face. I bite her bottom lip. Her legs fold over my waist. I reach between us. Grab my dick. I pump it a few times. I move it to her entrance. I start pushing inside her. We both groan. Each thrust a little deeper. Then faster. God she feels so fucking good.

She sqeezes herself around my dick. I stop moving. My breath heavy.

"Holy Fuck Anna. Dont do that, it will be over too soon if you keep that up."

She gives me a side smile. I start moving again.

Shes fucking with me. Payback for holding her still earlier. I have my face in her neck. I'm between needing release but wanting to hang on just a little bit longer. I start to move faster because I cant fucking help it.

I fuck my girl with our clothes on.

She's moaning. Moves her hand between us. I look down. Her small fingers moving in circles. My dick moving in and out of her. Its a fucking sight to behold. She comes on her fingers. Her voice is breathy. I hear her whisper near my face.

"Look at me."

I do.

Two fingers go in my mouth. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. Oh Fuck. I'm a goner. I'm groaning and sucking her fingers. My release filling inside her. My movement slows. Our mouths slacks. Our eyes heavy. We're out of breathe and covered in sweat. The smell of us is heavy and I get high on it. I pull out. She hisses.

"Sorry."

I am. I think I'm saying sorry for something else. I'm not sure what. I dont want to hurt her. Ever. But I fear I might. Taking the blanket thats bunched under her, I wipe her first. Then me. The ipod is still playing. The night breeze chills our sweat covered skin. Goosebumps all over. I stand. I watch my girl put her panties back on. She fixes her dress. Runs her fingers thru her messy side bun. Slides her flats back on. My life has been pretty shitty. I cant make sense of it all. Things like her birthday and Sven's death somehow falls on the same day. It fucks with me. There is 365 days in year. The irony isn't lost on me. I'm Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. _I live in a body that fights to survive with a mind that is trying to die._ Like tonight. I just want to forget. But I fucking can't. And the guilt I carry is so fucking heavy.

"Hey..."

Her voice is quiet. Concerned. Sad for me.

"What are you thinking about?"

She walks over to me. Her hands move at my waist, her hands put my boxers over my dick. She buttons my jeans. Redoes my belt. It's too much.

"Wheres your crown, princess?"

She pouts. She knows what Im doing. Its her birthday. Im not doing this tonight.

I walk over and pick the handmade crown up off the ground. I place it on her head. She stole my heart a long time. So here I am. Making crowns out of pipe cleaners.

"I think you should wear one too."

If only I was a prince.

"Im no prince, Anna."

"You're mine."

I smile at her. Its all I can do.

The blanket is dirty now, so we sit on the grass. Under the willow. Against its trunk. Music still plays. She leans her head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her messy hair. I think of Sven. I think about what he might think of her. Who would he be with today? Who would he be at all? I keep thinking about things. Torture myself a little more. My girls breathing slows. Shes asleep. Before I have to wake her, I breath her in and whisper.

"Happy Birthday Sweet Girl."

I jump when I hear a dog barking. Looking at my phone, the time is 11:30. I glance down at Anna, she's still asleep. Mouth slack. I didn't mean to fall asleep but I'm so mentally drained, I understand why I did. Nudging Anna, I wake her. She isn't the easiest person to get up.

"Its late. I need to get back to the apartment before Hans uses my bed for fornication. Its happened before and I burned the sheets."

She scrunchs her nose and laughs. I dont want to go. I want to park my jeep down the road and sneak in her bedroom window. She stands and stretches.

"Hey, now that you're 18, do I still have to come thru the window at night?"

"Probably."

"Damn."

Her voice is still sleepy. It's cute. I disconnect her ipod and gather the used blanket. She helps me by grabbing her candy. Of course. I throw my arm around her shoulders and we make our way to my jeep. She shoves a few pieces of chocolate in her mouth. Her cheeks balloon out.

"Charming, Anna. And you call yourself a princess."

She swallows but still has some left in her mouth.

"Im no princess."

"You're mine."

I still have the taste of chocolate on my lips. Still stung from her kisses. Our goodnight kiss went on a little longer than I meant it to. My chest begins to ache. She helps numbs my pain. Makes me feel something other than sad or numb. Only her. But I cant depend on her like that. It fucking scares me that I do.

I pull into the parking lot. I've gone from a high to a low in the matter of an hour. I need a drink. I hear the music the closer I get to the door. Another party. Im inside. The music is louder. This apartment is too small for so many people. I see Hans coming out of his room. I nod and open my beer. I drink most of it in one swallow. The monsters in my head need out. I need them out. The beer will help. I run my hands in my hair. Hans waves me over. We met last year at school. He needed a roommate. I needed a room.

"Hey Man...how was Anna's birthday?"

I can never tell if he's just polite, actually gives a shit, or likes my girl. I don't answer him.

"Whats going on in there?"

I nod towards his room. I already know the answer. It pisses me off. I knew he dealt but he doesn't use. I didn't think he mixed his job and personal life.

"Oh...well..."

He scratches the back of his head.

"What the fuck man? We're doing drugs in here now."

He actually looks sheepish.

"Recreational...parties and such. I need to move more. Boss is on my ass. Thought I'd share the goods. Give them a sample. Go try a line or two. On the house."

He slaps back my back and walks off. Fucker. I don't like him. I get another beer and open it. Each one gets easier and goes faster. It's getting too loud in here. A guy from class is talking to me. What the actual fuck dude. I don't want to talk homework. Fuck. I just realized how fucking tired I am. I should try to go to bed. If I wasn't already drunk, I would go back to Anna's. At least its quiet. I'm almost to my room. Hand on the knob.

"Kristoff"

Motherfucker. Im moving out tomorrow. I roll my eyes and turn around. Fake smile on.

"Here man. Try some. I'm fixing to put it up. Send the people I don't like home. I know you have some issues going on. Your past...maybe."

He points to his head.

"This will help. It will make you feel all tingly inside...or so I've been told. Help you forget whatever you're trying to forget. You won't get addicted if you do it at parties and the weekend. Thats how most of them do it."

He nods his head toward the party. They all look happy. How are they all happy. Fuck them. I roll my eyes.

"Tingly? Really Hans?"

He smiles at me.

"Tingly. I like Tingly."

Fucking Christ. If it makes him go away, I'll do all that he has. His voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

I take the bill from him. Bend my head. I snort the 2 lines in front of me.

It burns. So fucking bad. I hold my nose like it will make it stop burning. People find this fun. I hear Hans laughing at me. Asshole. I go to the bathroom and snort water to make it stop. Fuuuuuuck. My nose goes numb. Then my face. I splash water in my face. In a matter of minutes I go from feeling like shit to feeling like I can take over the world. The monsters are silent. I escape the darkness. Even for just a little while. Fuck. I've never not felt sad or numb for as long as I can remember. And why havent I already tried this? Oh right because drugs are bad. I think of Anna. Maybe this will help my codepencey with her. Oh god. She would be so fucking pissed off at me right now. I wont tell her. It's not like I plan to make this habit. I exit the bathroom. I feel apart of the party. Laughing. Making jokes. This is new. I like it. I search out Hans. I think it might be wearing off. That didn't take long. I shouldn't be looking for him. I should take my ass to my room. I find Hans. He already knows what I want. He looks like the devil. Smiles like him too. After tonight, I'm done. Really. I snort 3 more lines. Anna's birthday. Svens death. It took a toll on me. Then It hits me. I'm making excuses. Deep down I've just made the worst mistake of my life. I know I'll be chasing this high for the rest of it.

Kristoff's Playlist to Anna:

1\. The Night We Met Lord Huron

2\. Apocalypse Cigarettes after Sex

3\. Wonderwall Ryan Adams

4\. Mad World Riverdale Soundtrack

5\. I Can't Get You Off My Mind Lenny Kravitz

6\. Revelry Kings of Leon

7\. Things Ain't Like They Use To Be The Black Keys

8\. Fix You Coldplay

9\. I See Monsters Ryan Adams

10\. Let it Be Me Ray LaMontagne

11\. Don't Fail Me Now Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

12\. Trouble Cage the Elephant

13\. The Yawning Grave Lord Huron

14\. I'm With You Vance Joy

15\. Safe and Sound Taylor Swift/The Civil Wars

16\. Speak Up POP ETC

17\. Be Still The Killers


End file.
